One of the most eye-opening books I’ve read about supporting teenage girls is Enough As She Is by Rachel Simmons. In it, she talks about the quiet but constant message girls receive: you are not enough. Not doing enough. Not thin enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough.
That message is everywhere and it hurts their self-worth.
A girl’s worth is inherent. She doesn’t earn it through grades, awards, stats, or starting positions. She doesn’t have to prove it.
One thing that I am increasingly aware of as a coach of girls is that in sports, we can unintentionally reinforce the very message we don’t want them to believe.
Athletes already wonder if they’re fast enough, strong enough, talented enough. Then they come to practice and hear, “You need more effort,” or “That’s not good enough,” or “Work harder.” Their growth and efforts matter, and so do the standards that we as coaches hold, but we have to be careful that our coaching doesn’t accidentally confirm the fear they’re already carrying.
Untying Self-Worth From Performance
So how do we hold high standards without reinforcing “not enough”?
One way is to untie self-worth from performance.
As coaches, we define success. If success equals winning, then losing feels personal. If success equals effort, courage, being a good teammate, and upholding team standards, then athletes can compete freely without their identity being on the line.
Something as simple as saying, “No matter the outcome today, I’m proud of the way you showed up,” can completely shift the emotional weight a teenage girl is carrying.
I also know that some girls have big dreams of scholarships, college ball, or even professional goals. They will have gaps in their development. Which makes sense, they are still growing.
In 10 to 25, David Yeager talks about how young people rise when high standards are paired with high support. That’s the key. High expectations. High accountability. High belief.
Belief is powerful.
When an athlete knows her coach believes in her, not just in her potential, but in her as a person, she works harder. Not out of fear of not being enough, but from confidence.
I want to encourage coaches of girls to coach through the lens that their players are already enough.
They don’t need constant reminders of what they’re missing. They already feel that. What they need is a coach who sees them, believes in them, and challenges them from a place of trust.
We can push for excellence without jeopardizing their mental health. It is all about balance and for me this is where the real work of coaching girls lives.
